I know I haven’t written in a while, but that’s because I thought I found a guy…
So, do you all remember mr. tight and bright? the hunky geek I met at a celebrities birthday party? Things were going so so well during the school year, he took me out, he dined me, he brought me to meet his friends. Summer started, we both moved back home with our parents but only a 17 minute drive apart. We saw each other once or twice a week, despite the fact that he worked 70 hours a week. He started summer school and was an hour and a half away for 6 weeks. I didn’t see him once, but he texted me every single day throughout the day. He came home and started working 70 hour work weeks again. He was still texting me at least once a day and showing me he still cared. Then we went on our first date since he had been back, after 2 months of not seeing him. I was so so so excited. We went to go see a movie which kinda bummed me out because I really wanted to catch up with him. He was so distracted it seemed the whole time and he had no enthusiasm nor any energy. I thought that was because he had to wake up at 6 to go work an eight hour shift. Anyways he wanted to leave as soon as the movie was over because he had to be up early the next morning. Then the text messages stopped coming, he resisted attempts to make plans, he didn’t include me in the big events happening in his life anymore. Things weren’t going so so well anymore.
We all know how guys love to drop off the face of the earth the moment they are no longer interested, right? So I figured thats what was going on. Even though him and I saw each other for 5 months, we never had the talk to commit and make things exclusive. We never defined the relationship. So I figured, hey, if I’ve barely heard from him in 2 weeks, what harm could I do if I just lay out my feelings for him and tell him what I want. So I wrote a 500 hundred word essay outlining my anxieties over his absence, the reasons why I liked him, and the personal matters in my life that were giving me added stress to justify WHY I needed an answer, like today, about what was happening. I told him that I’d like to continue to have him in my life if it was just an issue of him being to busy, I could give him the time he needed this summer without resenting him. If it was an issue of him not wanting to be with me anymore, I could move on. But I needed an answer either way. Greys and ‘ishes’ give me anxieties.
I sent him this essay over Facebook… DAMN YOU FACEBOOK! It let me know that he read it right away. I didn’t receive a response for 48 hours. Which would be ok, if he had taken the time to write something eloquent and explicatory about what he was feeling. I got 3 sentences. Basically he told me he was sorry I was going through that, that his summer was too busy to deal with 2 jobs and a relationship and that everything was out of his hands. That’s it. No ‘lets pick up again in september’. No ‘I really like you and it hurts me that we can’t see each other more regularly’. No ‘I’m sorry but I am really busy and won’t be around very much lately but I still want you in my life if you can accept that’.
He took the cowards relief. He was no longer interested and instead of telling me so like a mature adult, he ended things by blaming his job. 5 months and this is all I get. I told him to enjoy the rest of his summer, and that we should catch up in september and remain in touch. We have so many mutual friends that I needed to end things on a positive note but I have no interest whatsoever in pursuing things any further…
If he can’t make me a priority then I don’t want to have to fight for his attention. Even if he was telling the truth he should want to spend time with me.
I’m so mad because there were so many things he did to disrespect me even when things were going well, but I can’t stop focusing on the good and wanting things to go back to that ‘perfect’ image I had of him. I wanted things to go my way. I wanted them to work out. I wanted what I wanted and he wasn’t what I wanted but he was SO DAMN CLOSE.
Anyways, I guess you could say I’m back on the market but right now everybody I meet I keep comparing to him. I don’t want to find a guy, but I want to find happiness. I was happy with Mr. tight and bright. I can’t stop seeing happy couples everywhere. My best friend is in a relationship and her boyfriend has become a big part of our friendship. He’s great and she still makes sure we get lots of girl time. But I just wish I could have what she has. I get nostalgic every time I see them together and I feel like there is a giant hole in my stomach. I feel nervous all the time and I have that gnawing feeling that you get when there is something really really wrong.
All my friends tell me to get back on my horse and to keep on trucking. And I want to do that, I don’t want to be in my funk anymore. But I also am just so so scared that what happened with him will happen again. I want to punch a hole in the wall because I want something to just go my way, just once. I want to be a happy person in a relationship, but I’m scared of going out and finding a relationship and the millions of frogs you have to kiss before one becomes a prince. Frogs scare me.
Anyways, for the rest of august. NO boys. I need to work on just being happy. Come september I just want to reunite with my friends and get into a routine. THEN i want to start meeting people. I know I’ll run into Mr. tight and bright a million times when september comes and I just want to be ok when that happens. I’m so happy that I’ll have 30 days to get over him.
We’ll see what happens when I’m truly back on the market, but for now, I’m dating me. And that’s ok. I need to love myself before I can love anybody else.