It’s been a while

I know I haven’t written in a while, but that’s because I thought I found a guy…

So, do you all remember mr. tight and bright? the hunky geek I met at a celebrities birthday party? Things were going so so well during the school year, he took me out, he dined me, he brought me to meet his friends. Summer started, we both moved back home with our parents but only a 17 minute drive apart. We saw each other once or twice a week, despite the fact that he worked 70 hours a week. He started summer school and was an hour and a half away for 6 weeks. I didn’t see him once, but he texted me every single day throughout the day. He came home and started working 70 hour work weeks again. He was still texting me at least once a day and showing me he still cared. Then we went on our first date since he had been back, after 2 months of not seeing him. I was so so so excited. We went to go see a movie which kinda bummed me out because I really wanted to catch up with him. He was so distracted it seemed the whole time and he had no enthusiasm nor any energy. I thought that was because he had to wake up at 6 to go work an eight hour shift. Anyways he wanted to leave as soon as the movie was over because he had to be up early the next morning. Then the text messages stopped coming, he resisted attempts to make plans, he didn’t include me in the big events happening in his life anymore. Things weren’t going so so well anymore. 

We all know how guys love to drop off the face of the earth the moment they are no longer interested, right? So I figured thats what was going on. Even though him and I saw each other for 5 months, we never had the talk to commit and make things exclusive. We never defined the relationship. So I figured, hey, if I’ve barely heard from him in 2 weeks, what harm could I do if I just lay out my feelings for him and tell him what I want. So I wrote a 500 hundred word essay outlining my anxieties over his absence, the reasons why I liked him, and the personal matters in my life that were giving me added stress to justify WHY I needed an answer, like today, about what was happening. I told him that I’d like to continue to have him in my life if it was just an issue of him being to busy, I could give him the time he needed this summer without resenting him. If it was an issue of him not wanting to be with me anymore, I could move on. But I needed an answer either way. Greys and ‘ishes’ give me anxieties. 

I sent him this essay over Facebook… DAMN YOU FACEBOOK! It let me know that he read it right away. I didn’t receive a response for 48 hours. Which would be ok, if he had taken the time to write something eloquent and explicatory about what he was feeling. I got 3 sentences. Basically he told me he was sorry I was going through that, that his summer was too busy to deal with 2 jobs and a relationship and that everything was out of his hands. That’s it. No ‘lets pick up again in september’. No ‘I really like you and it hurts me that we can’t see each other more regularly’. No ‘I’m sorry but I am really busy and won’t be around very much lately but I still want you in my life if you can accept that’.

He took the cowards relief. He was no longer interested and instead of telling me so like a mature adult, he ended things by blaming his job. 5 months and this is all I get. I told him to enjoy the rest of his summer, and that we should catch up in september and remain in touch. We have so many mutual friends that I needed to end things on a positive note but I have no interest whatsoever in pursuing things any further…

If he can’t make me a priority then I don’t want to have to fight for his attention. Even if he was telling the truth he should want to spend time with me. 

I’m so mad because there were so many things he did to disrespect me even when things were going well, but I can’t stop focusing on the good and wanting things to go back to that ‘perfect’ image I had of him. I wanted things to go my way. I wanted them to work out. I wanted what I wanted and he wasn’t what I wanted but he was SO DAMN CLOSE. 

Anyways, I guess you could say I’m back on the market but right now everybody I meet I keep comparing to him. I don’t want to find a guy, but I want to find happiness. I was happy with Mr. tight and bright. I can’t stop seeing happy couples everywhere. My best friend is in a relationship and her boyfriend has become a big part of our friendship. He’s great and she still makes sure we get lots of girl time. But I just wish I could have what she has. I get nostalgic every time I see them together and I feel like there is a giant hole in my stomach. I feel nervous all the time and I have that gnawing feeling that you get when there is something really really wrong. 

All my friends tell me to get back on my horse and to keep on trucking. And I want to do that, I don’t want to be in my funk anymore. But I also am just so so scared that what happened with him will happen again. I want to punch a hole in the wall because I want something to just go my way, just once. I want to be a happy person in a relationship, but I’m scared of going out and finding a relationship and the millions of frogs you have to kiss before one becomes a prince. Frogs scare me. 

Anyways, for the rest of august. NO boys. I need to work on just being happy. Come september I just want to reunite with my friends and get into a routine. THEN i want to start meeting people. I know I’ll run into Mr. tight and bright a million times when september comes and I just want to be ok when that happens. I’m so happy that I’ll have 30 days to get over him. 

We’ll see what happens when I’m truly back on the market, but for now, I’m dating me. And that’s ok. I need to love myself before I can love anybody else. 

Later gators

E.J. 

Qualities to look for in a

Ok, so I’ve since managed to stick to my guns. I have seen his profile picture by accident but that didn’t even tempt me to keep digging (well it tempted me, but my self control is other-wordly…ish). Anyways, my date is 2 days away and this challenge shouldn’t be as hard as it is. I think I’m addicted to social media. But that is a different post for a different blog, or maybe for some addictions councillor.

Anyways, since I’m going blindly into this date (hopefully untainted by any substance stronger than caffeine), I’m going to need to get to know him the good old fashioned way. So I’m usually quick to judge based on appearances but this time I want to judge on personality. I already know he’s physically my type so now I need to make sure he meets my personality type. What is that? Well from my experience as a serial dater I can tell you what I dislike in a guy:

1. Hardcore party boys
2. Boys who focus primarily on the physical aspects of a relationship
3. Boys who judge me for being ‘quirky’
4. Boys who run when things get too serious or are scared to let things get serious
5. Boys with no ambition and who don’t work hard

Basically, I’m looking for someone with whom to have a serious relationship. There is nothing wrong with dating, you can’t jump in with two feet so I understand it needs to start out casually, but once it remains casual indefinitely, well ladies and gents, we’ve got ourselves an issue. Being serious is a serious affair and if a guy doesn’t want to be tied down, well…

So since I’ve yet to be in a serious relationship, I can only speculate what works for me. So what do I think I want?

1. Someone who takes life seriously, without taking life too seriously. He needs to have ambition, but he needs to know how to take it easy and just sit back and enjoy life
2. He can’t be tied down to his desk, but he can’t avoid it at all costs either
3. He needs to appreciate that I have flaws, I’m weird and I make mistakes
4. He has to be willing to treat dating as something that might lead to something serious, he can’t be afraid of settling down
5. He has to be respectful of my values and beliefs

I dunno, I don’t feel like I’m asking for the world. The biggest desire is for someone who wants to settle down with me and will respect me. Really kids, I’m not asking for much. I usually don’t clash with people’s personalities, so the issue is usually people not thinking I’m the one. But that’s enough of a sob-fest for now.

Anyways, here’s hoping that he fits my requirements, if not well then I’ll keep on keeping on.

Peace out homeboys,

E.J.

UnDigitized Dating

So I met a guy at a house party last night. The party was for a celebrity and was kind of an exclusive invite only ordeal. Oops, yes I’m name dropping. I’ve just never been to a celebrity party before! It was a tight and bright blacklight party and the celebrity ended up being a giant diva, but regardless…

Anyways, there he was. He’s tall (yess!!) an engineering student (delish!) and he was wearing a hot pink t-shirt, matched with a pair of thick ray-ban eyeglasses (yummy scrumboes!). We shall call him Mr.TightandBright or Mr.TB for short. He went to highschool with one of my very good friends and attends my university but also lives close to my hometown. Besides these details, I know abso-smurfin-lutely NATHING about the boy. She swears he’s a giant sweetheart and definitely the right kind of guy for me, and she knows me very well so that’s comforting. He’s close friends with Mr.Bingo who was also at the party last night, though he didn’t seem to interested in me nor bothered by our flirting. I took that as we’re cool and we’re bros and he’s over anything tension we’ve ever had.

So Mr.TB and I have been texting today, just general banter. We also started debating about ray kurzweil’s singularity theory but the conversation was becoming difficult in 160 characters. I was starting to lose the debate and blamed it on the technical limitations of texting (clever me) and he asked if I wanted to continue the conversation in person over coffee on wednesday (go him!). Oh yes, I needed to egg him on but we’re having coffee. A public date. Check!

So I needed to tell my roomies about this immediately and they needed to creep him so that they had a face to put with the story. Since my latest challenge is to avoid a digital creepage of the person I’m seeing until I’ve gotten the chance to date him offline, I had to sit on the other side of the room while they ooed and awed.

This is a tough challenge but it’s actually getting me excited about the date so that I can learn about him. GAH! I’m frustrated yet sososo excited!

I’ll let you know as soon as I do…

Au revoir les amis

A giddy and excitable E.J.

Friday Parfait: Update, Facebook, Summer and Dating

Life Update:

So there is currently one month left of school. Midterms are in full swing and I’ve had zero time to prowl. I’ve met a couple of really nice guys, but they shall remain just that… really nice guys.

Mr. Drummerboy messaged me on Facebook the other day with an eloquent and grammatically correct apology for dropping off the face of the earth and that it was nothing that I’d done. He acknowledged that this came from ‘out of the blue but that it was weighing on his conscious’.

Aw, shitson! Thanks a bunch for you apology that makes you look better and makes YOU feel better. 5 weeks ago I would have swallowed this horse pill without gagging, but at this point you should have just stayed in the cave you came from. I replied with a cool ‘ok thanks’ and I’m over it. Though he already was, this caveman is officially out of my life. I can move on.

The ‘How to Find a Guy’ dating advice portion – Facebook :

So after that creepy ass Facebook message, I realized that my current challenge about dating a guy without creeping his online identity needs to move further. How can I fully open myself up to someone new if I’m constantly receiving updates on ghosts from my past? Also, if I subconsciously know that every update I know will reach those men, then am I not being performative? Subconsciously, while I might be performing for the man at hand, there will always be a nod and a wink to all those who missed out. This divided attention is problematic, if I’m living in the past, then maybe this is hurting my present situations.

Sometimes you can’t delete these people off Facebook. Sometimes you have to see them and deleting them will create tension.

Ahhhh Facebook. It’s the friend we secretly hate. But guess what? Facebook can be manipulated so we get things to go exactly our way. We can have our cake and eat it too ladies.

Ladies, I am talking about the miracles of the acquaintance list. I cleaned up my Facebook and put all my old men into this list. Then I went and allowed them to see only my profile pictures and NONE of my status updates. Oh yes, they can see only things that are out of my hands. They don’t know that I’ve done this so this will create no awkward situations. Also, once they are in this folder, their updates no longer appear on my newsfeed. Out of sight, out of mind.

This is all I have, but social networks complicate the dating life. It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s a start. If what you can’t have is always dangled in front of your face, you can’t focus on what you do have. With the anxiety of having every post scrutinized by past flings eliminated, you become less performative.

It’s just good practice to limit who can access your information. This isn’t going to become an online security lecture though, but be careful. If you couldn’t trust these people with your heart, don’t trust them with sensitive information.

Anyways, the challenge still stands. I want to date someone completely offline. I don’t know why, it will be refreshing and I’m hopeful that I will get something out of the challenge…

Getting Ready for Summer Dating:

This portion isn’t going to be about how to get gorgeous for summer. If you want to exercise and clear your skin and update your wardrobe you can do all that fun stuff. I contend that you should be comfortable with who you are and if that means tweaking, that’s okay and if that means staying the same, then that’s cool too.

There is exactly one month left until my summer vacation starts and I realized that this is my LAST EVER SUMMER VACATION!

I don’t want my summer vacation to revolve around finding a romantic partner, but dating during the summer is fun. There are so many cute date nights to go on and people tend to just generally feel better when it’s warm and sunny out.

When dating in the summer, go out with every reasonable guy who asks you out. Just date and be carefree. It’s summer. People fling. Go to every party you get invited to. Go to every cottage and camping weekend. Wish on every shooting star. Just have the best possible time ever and don’t worry about consequences. At this point, we’re young. Have fun. Date for fun and don’t date with long term goals in mind. Don’t reject them if they come, but at this point, summer is for fun. Don’t cry about rejection. Move on into the arms of another. Just don’t get too serious.

In order to date in the summer, you need to open yourself up to opportunity. That’s all.

 

Conclusion:

Relationships are about offline, tangible experiences. Offline tangible experiences happen when we are truly living in the moment. Tangible experiences happen when we open ourselves up to them. See how I made everything connect? No? Well I tried. It’s ok. I had a lot on my mind and I needed to get it out.

Later Gaters,

A very lighted headed E.J.

Challenge number 3:

While I said my challenge would be to approach a guy, this isn’t actually an issue for me. Most of the guys I’ve met, I’ve initiated the conversations with, or they’ve been placed in my lap. I realize picking up is an issue for most girls, but I don’t have that problem. Instead, I have the reverse problem. I pick up. I’m a confident girl who occasionally has her moments but all around, I’m happy to be me. So I expect other people to like me too. And voila, I can pick up. Sometimes they reject me. But not always and even if they do, my pride remains in tact.

Lesson: Just go for it.

• Use a cheesy pickup line if you’re the funny, quirky type.
• If you’re awkward, tell him he smells good and then giggle.
• If you’re bold flat up go up to him and tell him that you think he’s cute.
• If you’re shy, go find the space near him at the bar and tell him that the bartender has been ignoring the girls all night, and it would be great if he could take your five and order for you. (Bonus for him if he offers to pay…)
• Go up and dance with him or go dance near him and shoot him a look with a smile
• Tell him you’re running late for class and if he lets you cut, his coffee will be your treat
• Ask him when the assignment is due or how long he thinks it will take to do
• Ask him if he’s started studying for the test yet, if yes, does he have any pointers on how? (bonus if he offers to help)

 

Just DON’T change who you are. Be PROUD. Most of these won’t end in flat out rejection. Some might, but hey… who cares? Rejection is life, you can’t reap the full benefits of success without having failed first.

So my challenge? Finding a guy and then going on a date with him without looking at his Facebook profile. Seems fairly easy right? WRONG. I like to creep. Why have Facebook if you don’t? But despite this, I’m going to attempt it. Get to know someone completely offline… just one person. I can’t know what it’s like because Facebook has existed for the entirety of my dating life.

Not a giant challenge, but hopefully I’ll find some meaning in it once I’ve completed it.

Bonsoir,

E.J.

Status official

According to a post done by one of my favourite and one of the most relatable writers on CollegeCandy.com, there is a hierarchy to the stages of dating.

1. flirting
2. talking
3. dating
4. officiality. She argues that this is done through the Facebook status, but I have an issue displaying my relationship to all peeping eyes.

But there is some validity to the argument. As a serial dater, I’ve made it to stage number 3 with more guys than I care to mention. I think I made it to quasi stage 4 with Mr.PhD but this is the issue. People hate to DTR (define the relationship). But until you do, there is no security. It’s superficial. I think that’s my problem. I’m qualified for stages 1-3 but 4, well 4 is intimidating. You’re officially off the market.

And so, people like to take it to what I like to call stage 3.5. It’s right between stage 4 and stage 3. This is where you can reap all the benefits of having a singular significant other, but without the commitment. Another hot bittie comes along… PEACE OUT. You weren’t committed, something better came along and you’re gone. You didn’t owe me anything though, you never signed the contract that ensured my sanity.

The college aged male population is big on step 3.5. They like someone to cuddle with, to cook for them, with whom to go see a movie that their bros wouldn’t approve of but they like options. Monogamy is intimidating. I get it.

I don’t want to place all the blame on the bros though. If I’ve been able to get to stage 3.5 this many times, and nobody has taken the bait then I seem to be the common factor. Though, a lot of my girlfriends face the same issues. I’m unsure wether this is an epidemic of the generation or something that I’m bringing upon myself.

In the aim of optimism, even if it is something I’m doing to myself, I’m hoping that their is someone out there who will take me as I am and will be able to look past whatever signals I’m sending. If it is the male population that’s the issue, I’m hoping things will calm down as I move towards the real world. Maybe the college boys will have shaken out all their shenanigans as we approach graduation? Hopefully. Most of the seniors I know are looking for stability… so perhaps?

Anyways, did this post have a point? I dunno. Why don’t we throw a challenge in.

New Challenge:

Approach an attractive boy. I’ll post the details of how one might do that in the next post.

Alright, toodles…

E.J.

I’m Back With Some Juice.

OH MY! Ladies and gentlemen, I appologize. I’ve been as M.I.A. as certain members of the male gender who date and ditch. It’s been a crazy past few weeks with midterms underway, not only did I not have anything overly exciting to report but I did not have any time to blog. Terrible. Anyways, it’s now slack week and I’m catching up on my life. Here is the update.

I completed challenge number 2: which was to talk to that cutie from class.  Honestly, I approached him after class to ask if he wanted to join our study group, he said sure. I swear to God, I can’t tell if this kid is a man or a woman by listening to him speak.

What I learned from the experience: I need a man who is manlier than me but not a raging sac of testosterone either.

And thinking about it, I don’t want the male addendum possessing version of myself either. I need a little contrast beyond the physical.That realization got me to move on QUICKLY from Mr. Drummerboy because I realized he’s very effeminate and too much like me.

Valentines day: I spent it sitting at home with my single roomies and some friends who wanted to give their taken roomies a little privacy. All in all, it was a cute night. My roommate and her boyfriend bought me flowers because every girl deserves flowers on Valentines day. I don’t like to get bitter over it. The existence of Valentine’s day is not going to disappear to salvage the feelings of loneliness for the relationshiply challenged. And I know that once I find someone special with whom to share the day I’m going to enjoy it too. Instead, as a single girl, I like to take the day to remind myself of how beautiful love is.

On a more shameful note, my single roomies and I made a list of 55 reasons why we’re still single in under 20 minutes. But it’s all in good humour and for laughability and we celebrate our flaws. The list is proudly displayed on our fridge for any potential suitors who enter the house. TAKE ME AS I AM.

I cut off the ties and I’m starting fresh: Okay, so some ties cut themselves off from me. Mr. Bingo disappeared but in all fairness I think I wasn’t sending him the most passionate signals. We still have a lot of mutual friends and that isn’t to say that we won’t reconnect later in life, but for now, I can’t see it happening. On the bright side I made a new friend and I always run into him on campus which means that I’ll have one more friendly face to recognize in a sea of strangers.

Mr. LDR (Long Distance Relationship): As I mentioned, my roommate had some guy friends from up home over to visit one weekend. There was one with a girlfriend. I honestly don’t even window shop for taken guys because I would never want to be on the receiving end of that deal as their girlfriend. They broke up after only having been together a few months. My roommate immediately texted me to tell me the news and apparently he invited her and I up to his campus to visit for a weekend. It’s only like an hour and a half drive… not bad. I would hate to jump into a long distance relationship with 2 feet but I wouldn’t mind him having me on his mind. I’m not irrational, I realize he’ll need a little time to get over his ex/ he might not even like me but I definitely thought he was a cutie.

Mr. NotRightNow: Finally, I met the right guy at the wrong time. Well, that’s a lie, I knew him before but we never really talked. He’s friends with 2 of my roommates and I finally talked to him at his goodbye party. He’s either moving a plane ride away or 4 hours away depending on where life takes him. Regardless, it’s taking him away from any real possibility. He’s kind, sweet, laughed at our reasons why we’re still single list, and has an uncanny ability for finding the good in everybody. He’s not textbook gorgeous but he has a contagious smile that makes me swoon. Anyways, he came over again to just hang out with the roommates and I and then we went downtown for a drink at the bar. He asked us why we thought we were still single – realistically beyond the reasons we listed on the sheet. I answered that guys always see me as a short term, good time but that I’m not someone they consider investing time in. It’s probably because I give off that image and attract guys who are only interested in short term flings. I reversed the question and he said that realistically relationships are nothing but trouble and he doesn’t want to settle down until he wants to settle down but that may be because he hasn’t met the right person. Anyways, opening up so deeply to him kinda ruined my night and I was a bit of a downer after having been the life of the party. Anyways, last call happened and we all went our separate ways. He then texted me and said that girls like me made him sad and that we have so much potential but we’re too hard on ourselves and that if I was interested he could be there short term and that I seemed like a girl who would be good for him. Being a little tipsy, I told him thanks for the pep talk but I’m not interested in short term. Anyways he told me chin up, if it makes me feel better someone (being him) can see the potential in me and that someday it will work with somebody because I’m not a lost cause. And then we just had general chatter.

This, my friends, was one mind-f*** I did NOT need. I guess the fact that you’ll be picking up your life and moving on can make you ballsy but HONESTLY?  This sent me through a whole other hoop. I’ve done a good job of being rational (pat on back). It’s nice to hear what somebody really thinks about you bar none and he was just being polite so I didn’t shut him down. But I’m also not actively pursuing this boy. Like I said, had I paid attention to him when I first met him this might have worked. Right place, wrong time.

And this is what I mean, I hate uncertainty. I really really really hate the uncertainty. With him, I’m certain it won’t work. With others, I’m certain I want to give them a chance and with some others, I’m certain that uncertainty is unavoidable, but then again I’m okay with certain uncertainty. (I’ll give you a minute to catch up).

Anyways, I’m going to come at you with challenge number three now that my life has calmed down. I don’t yet know what it will be but I’m looking for some fun right now so it should be a doozie.

Love and laughter and shit,

E.J.